I had the idea for a while of a song that had the tagline of “what a shame,” but in a sarcastic way. And the word “shame” having a double meaning—the shame you feel and internalize, but what a shame you feel like that and can’t change it.
Looking back on a lot of my life in terms of relationships, sexuality and my sense of self in the world, there is a lot of shame associated with that. I came into my teens in the early-mid 2000s, a time period we now regard as a bit of a shithole in terms of gender and media messages (post–Woodstock 99, the dawn of sex tape leaks, Girls Gone Wild, etc. etc). What was deemed “attractive” for women and girls was quite disturbing in hindsight, and that’s what went into my brain at a formative time, romanticizing bargain basement, local band boy versions of Reality Bites Ethan Hawke. But now I know better, my wiring is still to find those things attractive on a cellular level. I know not to want those things academically, but emotionally, romantically, sexually, I have been trained to find those things valuable and attractive.
I know you are what you eat and it’s the taste that keeps me tame.
